A man's guide to menopause

Let’s face it, the “I have a headache” excuse isn’t cutting it anymore. If your partner is over 40, chances are you’re starting to see some differences and you might feel like you’re completely in the dark. That’s okay, she probably is too and we’re here to get you both through it.

First, let’s look at the signs to see if peri/menopause is really the culprit here.

1. You can do no right. Even if science and the universe back up your comments or decisions, somehow you are still wrong in your partners eyes.
2. “Mind reading’ suddenly becomes a key ingredient to survival
3. She no longer looks at you ‘that way’ and is making excuses not to be intimate. Something you said?
4. It’s hot. It’s cold. It’s hot again. No, wait, now it’s cold. You can’t win. Get a fan and a duvet.
5. Sometimes it feels like everything you say pisses her off to no end.
6. She can't remember what she was going to say
7. She has no idea of the last known location of her glasses, phone or car keys.

Believe it or not, we know how you feel. When women approach menopause (and perimenopause is the runway to menopause), things can go haywire for her, and she might not even know it herself. One of the biggest complaints we hear is loss of libido and from what we hear – no one is happy about that!

Libido is a common complaint for women as they near menopause. That means that as their partner, you’re likely feeling a variety of emotions and face several challenges. For example:

Confusion and Uncertainty

Changes in Intimacy: Menopause can bring about significant changes in a woman's sexual desire and behavior. This sudden shift can leave a man confused, especially if you had previously enjoyed an active and satisfying sex life.

Lack of Understanding: you may not fully understand the biological and emotional changes your partner is experiencing which can lead to uncertainty about how to respond or support your partner.

Rejection and Insecurity

Feeling Unwanted: A decrease of interest or desire in sexual activity can make anyone feel rejected and how can we not take that personally? You might question your own attractiveness or desirability, worrying that your partner no longer finds you appealing.

Self-Doubt: These changes can spark insecurities, causing you to doubt your sexual performance or worth as a partner.

Frustration and Anger

Unmet Needs: You might feel frustrated if your own sexual needs are no longer being met. This can create tension and resentment within the relationship.

Anger: Frustration can sometimes manifest as anger, especially if there is a lack of open communication about the changes and their impact on both partners.

Empathy and Compassion

 Understanding Partner’s Struggles: Some men might respond with empathy, recognizing that menopause is a challenging time for their partner, both physically and emotionally. Empathy will earn you a ton of brownie points here.

 Supportive Role: Men who understand the effects of menopause may focus on being supportive, seeking to comfort and assist their partner through this transition. We’re looking for a win-win here. 

Anxiety and Stress

Future of the Relationship: You might start to feel concerned and anxious about how the changes might affect the long-term health of the relationship. Or you might worry about the potential for growing emotional distance or the impact on your overall connection with your partner.

Communication Challenges: Stress can arise from not knowing how to discuss these sensitive issues without causing further distress or conflict. In this case, I’d say invest in a “Hurt Locker” outfit before attempting any meaningful conversations.

It’s not all bad. In fact, in this case knowledge really is power and the more you understand, the easier it will become to navigate this messy time in your relationship. It starts with communication as the anchor.

Understanding and Perspective

Educate Yourself: Understanding menopause and its effects can help alleviate feelings of rejection. Menopause often causes hormonal changes that can decrease libido, but it’s not a reflection of your partners feelings for you.

Empathy and Patience: Recognize that menopause can be physically and emotionally taxing for your partner. Empathy and patience are crucial. 

Communication Strategies

Open Dialogue: Remove all sharp objects and encourage a conversation focused on understanding and support. Here’s a safe way to start: "I’ve noticed that things have changed for us lately, and I want to understand what you’re going through and how I can support you."

Express Feelings Without Blame: Share your feelings without making her feel guilty or defensive. Maybe try something like this: "I miss the closeness we used to have, and sometimes I feel a bit rejected, even though I know this isn’t your intention."

Ask and Listen: Ask her about her experiences and listen actively. Do this without laughing. "Can you share what this phase has been like for you? I want to understand better."

Collaborative Problem-Solving: Work together to find solutions that respect both their needs.

Practical Strategies

Non-Sexual Intimacy: Encourage intimacy without the pressure of sex. Holding hands, cuddling, and spending quality time together can strengthen their bond. We know – this isn’t exactly the fantasy you had in mind.

Professional Help: Suggest consulting a therapist or a sex therapist who specializes in menopause and relationships. Sometimes, a professional can offer insights and strategies that might not be obvious. And let’s face it, it’s always better coming from someone else.

Medical Consultation: Suit up (see Hurt Locker advice above) and advise her to see a healthcare provider to discuss symptoms and possible treatments (e.g., hormone therapy, lifestyle changes). 

Personal Care and Activities: Focus on your own self-care and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside the relationship. This can help cope with feelings of rejection.

Long-Term Considerations

Building Emotional Intimacy: Deepening your emotional connection can create a stronger foundation for your relationship.

Flexible Sexuality: Being open to redefining what sexuality and intimacy mean in your relationship during this phase.

Menopause can be a challenging time, but it’s also an opportunity to deepen your relationship in new ways. By approaching it with empathy, open communication, and a willingness to adapt, you can support your partner and maintain a strong, loving connection.

Don’t forget that menopause goes beyond the physical changes women experience. It can take a huge toll on our egos, pride and our confidence as we feel less attractive, less relevant and more invisible.  Remember, you’re in this together. Your support and understanding can make a world of difference to your personal safety during this time.