Gossip: Truth serum or slow poison?

Gossip can build trust in one breath and destroy it in the next

Let’s call it out. Gossip isn’t just some petty pastime reserved for bored women with nothing better to do. It’s ancient. Women have been gossiping since the beginning of time, and not because we were shallow or cruel. Gossip was survival.

“Did you hear Rita’s cousin ate those red berries and almost died? What is it about those fermented grapes she loves so much? They give her crazy dance moves.” That was gossip. That was also a public service announcement. Gossip was the original emergency broadcast system and the first group chat rolled into one. It protected us. It bonded us. It kept the village alive.

Fast forward. Now gossip has a reputation problem. It’s been painted as toxic, bitchy, small. But let’s be real. Gossip can be connection or destruction depending on how we use it.

Why we gossip, in all its glory and grit:

• We want to belong. Gossip is social currency and we all like to feel rich.
• We want to protect each other. Sharing warnings about toxic men, bad bosses, or scammy business opportunities, texts or emails is practically a public service.
• We want to feel powerful. Having the scoop makes us feel important in a world that often tells us we’re invisible.
• We want distraction. Gossip lets us look at someone else’s mess so we don’t have to sit with our own.

Gossip is like dirty vodka martinis. One or two can be fabulous. Too many and it gets ugly and all cry-face.

Here are truths many of us don’t want to admit, but that matter:

• Gossip signals tribe and trust
  Sharing information about someone who isn’t there asks: Do you get me? Do you protect the perimeter? When you gossip with someone, you’re testing loyalty and values. It’s how we find out who’s safe, who’s shady.
• Gossip is competition in designer clothes
  Research shows women often frame gossip as concern, while masking underlying competitive motives. In one study, gossip delivered “with concern” boosted how likable or trustworthy the gossiper seemed, while still harming the target’s reputation.
• Gossip enforces community norms
  When someone breaks trust, lies, cheats, or behaves abusively, gossip is an informal “court of public opinion.” It tells us: this won’t be tolerated. It reinforces what kind of behaviour holds weight. Norms depend on it. We are judged by it.
• Gossip helps us sort risk, fast
  Humans evolved in conditions where knowing who to trust, who to avoid, who behaves dangerously mattered. See Rita’s cousin’s story above. Even now, gossip helps us detect red flags - social, moral, safety-related. Better info, faster reactions/judgement.

The brutal bad: when gossip becomes damage

Yes, there’s benefit. But here’s what goes wrong when we don’t pay attention:

• Harm disguised as caring
  As one study found, when gossip is wrapped in "concern," it still harms the person being gossiped about. The “you-know, I’m worried about her” line can give the gossiper social leverage, while the target gets the blow to her reputation.
• Reputation and power take hits
  Gossip isn’t free. People who gain a reputation for negative or frequent gossip become less likely to be trusted or asked for real advice. If everyone thinks you’ll talk about others, eventually, they worry you’ll talk about them. Makes sense.
• False or exaggerated info spreads fast
  Rumour, distortion, half-truths: they spread quicker than fixes. The person being gossiped about often can’t defend themselves in real time. Damage can stick even if disproved. I’ve been on both sides of this. Trust me. It’s not healthy.
• Emotional and mental fallout
  Feeling betrayed. Shame. Isolation. Anxiety. Gossip can exacerbate impostor syndrome, make us question what people really think. For women, especially those already feeling socially invisible or undervalued, this impact can be especially intense. We have so much on our plates already. Why make it worse for each other?

Some research shows gossip can be healthy

Not all gossip is bad. Let’s pull in some studies to show what works when gossip goes “right”:

• Studies of workplace dynamics find that gossip, when it’s used to share norms, warn about unethical behaviour, or bring newcomers “into the loop,” strengthens group morale and trust – but only if it doesn’t become back-stabbing or bullying.
• Evolutionary-models of “gossip + reputation + cooperation” suggest that gossip is one of the engines that enables cooperation in groups. How? We punish defectors (through loss of reputation), reward those who help, and build alliances. Could this be the impetus for ‘cancel culture’? Cancel culture is just gossip with a megaphone and an archive.
• Gossip framed positively (or even neutrally) about people does two things: fosters emotional connection and reminds us of what we value in others. Compliments, good news, shared joy: gossip isn’t always about the drama. It ain’t all bad!

The uncomfortable truths we need to face

Because if we don’t look at these, we keep playing the same games and paying the same costs, often without even noticing.

• We often think we’re “concerned,” but that doesn’t remove the harm. Concern doesn’t give license to slip in subtle jabs.
• We underestimate our own role as gossiper and overestimate how innocent our motives are. Sometimes the worst gossip is the one we tell ourselves: “I’m just helping,” “I’m just warning,” etc.
• The impact is cumulative. One slip may be forgiven. Repeated patterns of damning gossip build a reputation, good or bad, that follows you.

In short

When gossip is good it builds trust, validates our experiences, and helps us spot red flags. Who hasn’t been saved by a “don’t date him” tip or a quiet warning about the nightmare boss, nosy neighbor or shoddy colleague? That’s not mean spirited. That’s intel.

When gossip turns bad it cuts, isolates, and undermines. We’ve all felt the sting of finding out we were the subject of a “guess what I heard” moment. It feels like betrayal because it is. And because it’s gossip, it doesn’t allow the target to defend themselves. So the story just keeps circulating and the situation just becomes worse. It’s not good for the soul.

Here’s the part we don’t like to admit. Most of us have been on both sides. We’ve traded in gossip that brought us closer and given us ‘social currency’ and we’ve whispered things that made us feel shitty later. We can tell ourselves it’s harmless but deep down we know when we’ve crossed the line. Our gut tells us so.

So how do we navigate it? Ask yourself this:

• Am I connecting or competing
• Am I warning or wounding
• Would I say this if she were standing here

If the answer makes your stomach turn, don’t say it. Write it down, scream it into a pillow, take it to therapy. Just don’t dump it on another woman’s back.

Women in midlife know poison when we taste it. We’ve swallowed enough of it already. Let’s not use our words to add more. This is the time to lift each other up and do great things.

Just look at Rita’s cousin. She took it on good ‘intel’ to avoid the poisonous berries and head straight for the grapes. So she skipped the gossip circle, crushed the grapes, and gave us something actually worth talking about.

We choose if we will use our powers for good or evil.